Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.