Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.