wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
kevin is now a local weatherman
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.