Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You Might Also Like
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.