wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
cats when you pet them too long:
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS