Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.