I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?