wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Google assistant rules
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Think I pulled my liver
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito