wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
We cut our bangs at dawn.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks