Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
BRO LMFAO
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.