Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
You Might Also Like
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
それは草
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”