*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You Might Also Like
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.