wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
drew a comic about my origin story
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
BETRAYAL
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”