WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.