NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Said the murderer.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.