Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Pretty much! 😂👀
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
This sounds bad:
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo