Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Brb my Sims are getting married
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.