Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.