Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
how much for the angry fruit?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I can’t stop watching this.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs