Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
iPhone X
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.