Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
called in thicc to work this morning
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.