wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
shampoo implies shampee
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
😆this is so true
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.