Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Pretty much! 😂👀
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.