wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*gets down on one knee*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.