[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
yes… yes…
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds