(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.