Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
guys I’m going home
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Stonehinge
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.