wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
You Might Also Like
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I already tried new things thanks.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
This is a true ally.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
crazy
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”