Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…