Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck