Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker