Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
You Might Also Like
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.