Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E