Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.