Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Very good news from my accountant
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea