wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
work smarter, not harder
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.