WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
You Might Also Like
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood