WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
What?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown