Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.