Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
This raises questions
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”