*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Sharon, call the vet
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?