My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”