Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.