McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…