WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”