@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I -
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?"
- Credit card chip inventor
- Me, writing tweets
@NoTrophy4You: When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?"."Not yet," she replied
@rose24_em: But how come Tarzan didn't have a beard?
@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
@hardlyrelevant: "Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course..."
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*