@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I -
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@DumbConfessions: *starts throwing a fit*
Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.
Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.
@b0dymassage: "HELP!" Joe pants.
"WHAT IS IT JOE?" I belt.
"I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS." He cardigans.
@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@Wakenbake77: Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes
@VerifiedDrunk: Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.