@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I -
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@jordan_stratton: ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
@KatrinaGibson13: Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
@sophienuuttall: *goes through crush's phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
"who is Emma"
@Contwixt: Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered "internal bleeding" & "unconscious" in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
@Florescience: *At funeral*
"Your Mom is so fat"
I said eulogy, not roast.
"oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."