@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I -
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@mishakey: Going to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I'm mature enough for this situation.
@tsm560: I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.
@JihadPizza: Youtube is the only place where you'll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.