Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.