Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.