My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.