Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The happy life.. 😊
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.