Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Pizza is an emotion right?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty